introversion

Yesterday I thought to myself: I’m losing my mind. And it scared me.

The intensity of your emotions, your regard frighten me–as much as they warm me and bolster me. How fragile is this ego of mine–I fear a part of me yearns for you because you make me feel so wonderful, so truly esteemed. And the thought of that saddens me, because if that were true, I would be demeaning all that you offer and give. Yet I love being in your presence, your easygoing manner, your gentle but shockingly strong person. At times I feel that it is wrong for us to have met, that I should not be enjoying such a spirit as yours. Equals… is that true? I am not half as deep as you believe me to be. Sometimes I feel like a shallow pond, a puddle of rain water, a being exactly like those around me that I criticize so much. You feed my ego and, damn me, I like it–I can’t help but hunger for more. And damn you, too, for doing it so earnestly that I almost believe it, that I am more, that my doubts are silly–and that’s far more dangerous. God forbid that should happen–for then my mind could justify looking down on people–and I don’t want to… sometimes I want to fade into the background. And why must you tell me I’m beautiful? I hate the way I feel when I hear that.

I hate the way I feel when I accept praise–no, when I know I’m eliciting it, begging for it. Stop believing me… Sometimes I feel like a liar.

Archangel makes me want to a) be able to sing and b) fly. It also inspired a funky dream in which Christie had wings. She wouldn’t use them though and hid them underneath her clothing. My dream-self concluded that she must press them very close to her body to hide them underneath clothing. I envied her greatly–and was very angry because she didn’t even use them!

Damn… this just fuels my obsession with winged creatures. As a novel, it was alright. Not exactly in the vein of the Kushiel series… not exactly as exciting either–but damn, I would die to hear such heavenly voices in reality.

Listening to the pounding surf, watching the city lights and the blimp that looked like a fish lazily crossing the sky, studying the stars and the one constellation I could pick out and the bright light that might have been a planet, the two traffic lights, one permanently red, the other green, as if there were no need for caution anywhere in the equation… just being… no past or future, just that moment, filled with peaceful, inane thoughts. Ah, what a way to end a busy day.

How little time it has been… how little time… yet it’s so easy to just be with you. No anxiety. Just a serene existence. Give it time. Give it time. Where are we walking? And is there time? Where we will be in a year? Life rushing all around me and here I am, on a leisurely stroll with my eyes closed, face upturned to the warmth of the sun, taking my good ol’ time.

What did I learn? I was wrong again in judging/guaging someone’s character, only right now it wasn’t the person who had originally concerned me (though I’m still not quite sure in that case, either), but something completely out of the blue. I guess I was wrong to assume too much. I was more saddened than surprised or shocked. I guess a change has to happen somewhere in here. Maybe it has been slowly coming and this is my signal from some unseen force.

It’s new… and frightening. I’ve never known someone like this, never felt more relaxed rather than that agonizing gut-twisting unease and nervousness that make me babble. Well, not to say I didn’t babble. And yet the cosmos knows I’m the worst kind of people person. Relationships of any sort scare me… I just don’t know how to deal with people, with myself. Why must I be so uncertain? And why did such a path cross/fall upon mine? Why now, of all times, when I’ve never been so confused and unsure of myself? Surely, I should be laughing.

I don’t know how to act around you. I felt like I didn’t have to put on any airs. Maybe it was your honesty. I don’t know if you intimidate me or fascinate me all the more. And I definitely don’t know what’s going on.

I wonder, will this be another case of my infamous bad judgment?

I’m still wondering… what exactly happened yesterday?

After spending so much time on school work all week, it’s suddenly very strange just to sit around and have nothing to do. Nonethless, it still feels nice just to stop. Hm… I need to get depressed to finish the story I’ve been working on (it has somehow managed to become 15 or so pages as a draft). Or maybe if I write it, I’ll become depressed. I kind of want to (and hope that I’ll be able to) devote a Saturday to it.

Oh, and the opening to Excel Saga? So much fun.

I want to play Xenogears again after talking about it with Arthur. Damn.

Yes, many thoughts randomly flitting through my mind. It’s a beautiful day today.

Amazing… the Encarta 96 CD still works… and I still can’t resist playing around with it.