introversion

Sometimes it’s good to be alive.

And it’s great to have friends.

Holy crap, there are a lot of just junk comments sitting on my blog… too bad I’m too lazy to go back and delete them. Sheesh. I’m getting spammed on my blog. What the hell? Is there no escaping these things anywhere?! Well, at least now I have a new e-mail addy that won’t get spammed… hopefully. Hotmail will have to take the flak for that. It’s junk filter sucks anyway and when I was getting mailing list e-mail on that thing? Man, my space bar would always be in the red.

So, my Thanksgiving break, hm? Let’s see. I got sick. Damn. I just had to get sick Wednesday didn’t I? And I just got worse over the days. It was alright though; I didn’t go out. In fact, my weekend consisted of lazing about the house, watching anime, and playing Legend of Dragoon. Let’s attack these separately.

Anime. Yes, I admit to watching Sailor Moon Live Action… and enjoying it. Yes, I know it’s ultra cheesy and the acting isn’t that great and the action scenes are Power Ranger-esque. Yes, I know that Luna has suddenly become a talking plushie and the disguise pen and communicator watches have been combined into cellphones (in fact, all the Senshi can disguise themselves using their own cellphone). Yes I know things are being rushed and the events are vastly different from the anime. But, as Sailor Moon always did, the characters draw you in. You want to know what happens to these girls and how they’ll develop–because you know how things turn out, you want to see how the show goes about doing such things. On a tangent, Jesus, they had Aino Minako’s actress wear short shorts for her poster pic. Then again, those skirts are short anyway. *shrug* So, yes, Sailor Moon Live Action… I’m hooked. (I wish they had kept the opening song…)

Other anime: Shingetsutan Tsukihime. Not what I thought. In fact, it’s about… vampires. And it’s kind of dark. And the main character is, as usual, dense. But he kills things. I guess that makes up for it. The opening sequence and music rocks, so I can let it go. Apparently, it’s based on a novel game, which has a lot of multiple endings. But this series is the “true chronicles” so what the heck? The prologue, or maybe just the prologue’s translation, was so confusing I was better off never seeing it. The music in it was kind of nice, though…

The other, other anime: Gunslinger Girl. Sheesh. I love it because it’s dark and at the same time, the way it presents these tragic girls makes you feel so sorry for them. Then, on the other hand, you root for them to go kick ass and kill people. How confusing. Triela is my favorite while Henrietta is probably my least favorite, which is sad since so much of the story focuses around her. *shrug* I rarely like main female leads anyway.

Legend of Dragoon: Man, the dialogue and reactions of the characters make me crack up. Ultra cheesiness! As well as unrealistic. Xenogears remains my favorite RPG. You know, I thought to myself, I’d like to play a realistic RPG once… but then I realized, you’d never get anywhere! HAHAHA… but really… one of my dreams has always been to make a “real” RPG, a dark one. But it’ll remain a dream b/c anything like that would probably be a) expensive and b) unmarketable. Ah well… I shall dream up my storylines anyway.

What I forgot to do: Write. DOH! I haven’t given up on you yet, Xer, Mikrel! I’m just a little… stuck.

The “Party": Random lecture from a stranger… did not make me happy… wanted to slap someone, mainly the lecturer. Oh, the karaoke action… I hid upstairs all night.

Mood right now: Pretty good, despite knowing I have to go back to school again… and hound the counselors.

… who has discovered my blog and made me smile with frank and open commenting…

Thanks for taking the time out to let me know I really am ranting to the world.

-Ngan

(Who would have ever thought that that blasted and shocking Narutaru would bring me such attention?)

So I submitted my Stanford app… I probably forgot a lot of things. … I won’t think about it anymore. I just need to get on the asses of counselors now.

Harvard?

Record of Lodoss War OAV & TV Openings and Endings (I’d list them but I’m too lazy)–the instrumental versions rock

The Sacred Moon - Shingetsutan Tsukihime Opening
-Awesome; no lyrics, just this moving piece. Pick it up and check it out for yourself–and maybe watch the anime while you’re at it.

C’est la vie ~Watashi no naka no koi suru bubun [C’est la vie ~The part of me that I love] - from, of all things, Live Action Sailor Moon; performed by Aino Minako (Komatsu Ayaka)
-Sailor V/Venus is actually an idol in this one… was she an idol in the anime? I like Komatsu Ayaka… although she hasn’t really appeared yet! Gr! I want to see some Sailor Venus action!

The Light Before We Land - The Delgados - Gunslinger Girl Opening and the Ending - DOPO IL SOGNO ~Yume no Ato Ni~ (In Italiano!)

I feel lost and scared and inadequate. I have my down days, but I could never picture myself… hurting myself. That doesn’t mean the thought never crossed my mind, but I’m too much of a coward to do anything like that.

But how do you tell a friend that they don’t need this? How do you make them feel loved?

Times like these I realize just how young and ignorant I am.

Are there people who have no idea who the heck I am reading this blog? Just wondering…

I’ve been putting off really writing in here lately for a few reasons. One, I’ve been feeling a little mixed up and two, I don’t really feel like sharing some of the things that’ve happened and the thoughts on my mind.

College apps… may I just express the severe dislike and annoyance I hold for our counselors? Just a little competence and responsibility, that’s all I want in them. Jeez…

School. Oh, I still spend an obscene amount of time doing homework that would take anyone else half the time to do. I don’t know what I work so slowly, but as time goes by, my tortoise pace is beginning to make me uneasy. Maybe I’m just not being efficient. Whatever is it, there’s something going on there. It doesn’t help that I just don’t feel as driven anymore. There’s no fire behind my work, just the pressing feeling that I must get the assignments done. Oh, and my first period always feels like 100 minutes of hell. I hate being called on in that class. I can’t speak Spanish, dammit, so stop trying to make me! I mean, if I didn’t feel like such an idiot in front of class (since just about everyone speaks the language, most as a first), I might not blank out each time I’m expected to answer.

Life. In general, I don’t feel as angry anymore. I feel a lot happier lately. Or maybe just more laid back. But at the same time, certain events have made me sad. Kind of longing. Yet, I don’t know what to do about these things, since my own actions led up to them and I know that pursuing them would just lead me right back to the same decision as what brought here me now. I don’t know how to act now, or where to draw a line or even if I should be so bothered by it. I don’t know. I’m just a kid. Other times, I’m just confused, period.

I wonder sometimes if I’m just one of those people who try to make themselves miserable.

Oh, and I hate getting in the car in the morning. I keep thinking about getting into car accidents…

… and how that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Lost? Yes. Life needs to come with directions. I like directions.

Damn you live action Sailor Moon! I wish someone would get me the original Sailor Moon… all four, five, six? seasons of it… on DVD, so I don’t have to listen to the dub. That’d be great.

goddammit… I better not be getting sick… and I was avoiding illness so well…

Mikrel is like Joscelin. Yes, he is. But… dammit, I don’t want him to be Joscelin. He shall be himself, at odds with Xer, concerned for her, curious about her, and overall a friend.

…

He better not become more than that. Keep your hand to yourselves, you two.

I finally did it… I finally submitted a college app… So why the heck don’t I feel happy about that?

The site lives again!

This essay is craptacular for the amount of work I put into it. How frustrating… I got nothing done today but for this pitiful essay. And it’s not even all of the essays! Freak it. It’s going to stay more or less like this.

Sleep time soon. Healing rest.

The typewriter is fearsome indeed. Not to mention the essay questions… they have me stumped. So do these calculus problems. Damn.

A bit to stomach… but far from distasteful. A joy to write and an honor to do so with a talented friend:

(18:21:44) Me: I wanted to punch her in the face.
(18:21:52) Me: (first person =) )
(18:21:54) Lia: (lmao)
(18:23:42) Lia: I wanted to wipe that smile off her face, wanted to shatter that haughty gaze that always seemed to look way down at me from a throne high up in the nosebleed section of Heaven that wasn’t worth all the hype people proclaimed it to be.
(more…)

God, Gustav Holst’s “The Planets"… the live symphony… amazing. I can’t describe the anticipation as the strings build up, crescendoing, the drums beating in the background, the horns blasting, the cymbals bashing and the shivers that run across my skin. There is no pleasure like feeling the music run through you, beat against you, swelling around you and pulling you in. My imagination seemed to run wild and I was struck with a powerful desire to write–if only I had had a laptop. But it was good that I did not, because then I would not have been able to immerse myself in the music and appreciate its goodness.

I was glad I was given the free opportunity to enjoy this and to experience it with someone who can appreciate it as well.

Copley Hall is beautiful and thanks to some good fortune, when we were admiring it, we were invited to come up and sit on the upper tier for the second part. It was awesome.

Listening to the songs coming through my speakers is just not the same. I want to see another live performance now.

If I got into a staring contest with my apps, I would lose.

I am not “Master and Commander” of these damn things. Yes, I saw it today. ‘Twas alright. Felt kind of… long.

When I get angry, or anxious, or stressed out I clench my jaw. I was clenching my jaw so tightly today it hurt. It’s a thing I do unconsciously… today I did so I guess because in part I felt as if I witnessed something I shouldn’t have. I guess I’m just so used to the notion of putting on a happy front that it didn’t occur to me that others might not feel such qualms or restraint–or perhaps they do, but the situation was just so overwhelming… I don’t know. I was thinking about how there’s not that much affection beneath this roof, how the only communication between myself and my parents seem to be when we speak passingly and even then it seems I just lose my temper with them for no reason. But at the same time, I feel as if they ignore me. It’s almost as if I know they want me to do well, but as if they don’t care enough to make sure I do it. In a way, it makes me feel as if to them I’ve become reliable, as if there’s no need for them to worry about me, and that makes me feel somewhat good. But then I think, I wished they’d ask. I wish they’d make me feel as if this is something they’re concerned about or that it’s something I really need to get done. But no questions are asked.

I don’t know anymore. Maybe I just feel unloved.

And I was thinking about how I owe a lot of people apologies and that, if for no other reason, I’d like to get in contact with them to apologize. Because I’m learning to apologize. I’m learning that I am at times and especially I was a complete jackass and bitch. I’m learning that I’ve been very angry for a long time at nothing, or maybe it was just at me. Recently, I’ve just felt drained and tired, as if I can’t even really work myself up to get angry, as if it’s just not worth it anymore. I get nothing out of being angry, just more anger.

I wish I could always stop myself from anger.

And as to my obligatory bitching about apps, I don’t care about my friggin’ essays anymore. I don’t care if I don’t whore myself enough in them. I just don’t. Writing has always been my medium to be completely honest with myself. I’ve always written honestly the words that are just too hard to say and you know what? If I had my choice, I’d write about how much I feel so worthless in this world, how I don’t really feel valuable enough to be accepted anywhere, that I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything in four years. I’d write about how I feel isolated sometimes or hopeless, that I’ll never achieve a damn thing. I’d write about how the only thing that has ever driven me was to please someone, about how my academics was just something to give my failing ego a nice boost because I’m so pathetic I can’t find anything else about myself that makes me proud to be me. Or maybe I’d write about how it feels so damn good when I get a compliment, how goddamn fulfilling it is to be at the top, or how sometimes I really do feel superior when I see some people and the smugness that clouds my thoughts and then the subsequent guilt–as if I know that I shouldn’t feel that way and I’m horrified, but really I’m not because obviously I do feel that way and how I’m only feeling guilty because I know taht it’s not the “proper” behavior and how it would horrify other people who knew–and how it aggravates me so goddamn badly that other people just do the bare minimum or even less and still manage to skate through life. I’d tell them about how friggin’ hilarious it is that students who cheat and haven’t given a single damn effort get into schools. I’d laugh about how all the five or less or whatever the hell the pitiful sum is of “extracurricular” activities I’ve done is because I wanted to put it on my worthless application.

Yeah.

I don’t care? Who the fuck am I kidding?

Throughout most of the day today, I felt curiously emotionless. Actually, I felt more emotionally empty than outright emotionless, as if I knew I should be feeling something but didn’t. Not even road rage this morning, and that’s usually guaranteed. I kind of just floated through today, pondering this interesting turn of events in my usually mood-swing-filled days.

I think I’m just tired–physically tired. I’ve been sleepy all day; I was sleep yesterday, but I, the fool, decided to stay up a bit.

Yeah…

I don’t have much to say. No feelings on anything today.

Hm. I felt somewhat proud of myself today. Thanks to my own stupidity, my car and I had a misunderstanding and it really did piss me off. I expected to rage all the way home and then rage some more when I got home. But, you know, I thought to myself: Hey, I managed to learn something today and it’s not like there really was anything wrong with the car, so what do I have to be pissed off about?

I was still annoyed by the time I got home, but I wasn’t pissed off, which is really something since I’ve got a hair-trigger temper.

It made me feel really good. I mean, I was happy about it. It was a moment of me conquering me and it was nice.

College apps… slowly coming along… I will finish, damn it. I will. (Just keep telling yourself that, Nganny…)

Writing… is coming along… or is it? It’s harder when I want to write two stories simultaneously and neither has anything to do with the other. I haven’t given up yet. God, or whatever force will listen to me, don’t let me give up… just this once, I want to finish something. Just this once.

Hm. Videogame music is goodness. I will not listen to anyone who says otherwise.

This has been an installment of Nganny’s random thoughts.

*giggles insanely*

It may not be as cohesive or as well written as our first attempt, but this was definitely not what either she or I was thinking, I think:

(18:06:10) Lia: He sat in the shadows, red eyes gleaming as blood dripped from his claws, fangs smeared in crimson as he smiled, sharp points catching the distant moonlight from above
(18:08:41) Me: The memory of plunging his teeth into soft flesh caused shivers to run down his spine, the joy of her screaming and wriggling making him grin widely.
(more…)

*ducks, looks around for Lia (don’t hurt me if you actually read this!)*

Randomness that results in even more randomness:

(18:01:38) Me: I still wonder how a story would turn out if one person wrote every other line and the other person filled in the other lines
(18:01:50) Lia: aight lets do that then
(more…)

As much as I like hearing that people actually read my work, on some level it’s very disturbing when it’s someone who knows me… I guess this means on that same level, I’m somewhat ashamed of what I write, like it’s a big secret that reveals too much who I am.

It’s all very confusing.

My mind is full of truly jumbled thoughts. Lately, as I try my hardest to get myself to do my college applications and I tumble through my senior year, I feel very introspective. And now today, having rewatched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon today and now sitting here, I feel overwhelmed with a lot of thoughts about myself and how I am.

My applications sit here and they call out to me to finish them, yet I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t know. In a way, they depress me. I think about what I’ve done in high school and it feels like I haven’t accomplished anything at all (yes, I am rehashing about ten earlier entries b/c this is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind). I feel so undedicated to everything I do. I want to try things and then I do and then I give up. Even school is starting to lose its appeal. I’m just like, “God, I’m so sick of caring and devoting all this time to my studies when no one else seems to fucking care.” What really pisses me off is that people like that will still end up moving on. Even worse, I think what if in the end none of this matters? What if I just end up being a social failure anyway? What will all this effort have amounted to but a waste of my time? But it is such a part of me, that I can’t deny. When I don’t study for a test, I feel guilty or just stressed for no reason right before I take it. Like this recent Government test. I didn’t study at all and then, as I was taking it, I was like, “Well, fuck me, I guess I should have studied.”

I don’t know. I love watching things. I love getting the emotions out of things. I hate having to do. I hate having to be compared to someone or something. I hate having to meet expectations, someone else’s or my own. Really, nothing would make me happier than simply being able to exist. But then I think of the reality of everything. How would I eat? What shelter would I have? It’s not like I’m going to go off and become a farmer (and that takes too much time and effort anyway). Sadly, everything comes down to money.

You know what I want to be? I want to be the social slacker. I want to sit back and let someone else do the job. I want to leech off of everyone else’s work. I want to be left in my own little world. I want to live in my dreams and go off to far away lands.

I wish I could just make a million dollars or something and then be over and done with it.

It bothers me that I want to hink that I’m observant, but I’m not. It bothers me to think that I’m very probably a hypocrite, although I want to think that everyone else is. It bothers me to think that maybe there’s an after life and in the end I’m going to be so fucked when I die, when I just want to believe in my heart that somehow I’m a decent person and that it doesn’t friggin’ matter what the heck you believe but everything will be alright in the end. It bothers me to think that I’m some sort of cynical person, so why is that it seems I only notice the good aspects of people, why is it that I can never see their bad sides or the horrible things they do and go on obliviously believing that indecent people are decent? It bothers me to hear people call me talented and then watch myself give up everything I try. It bothers me to think of myself as a writer, yet I can never complete a story I set out to write (in fact, this ties back into the whole motivation/constantly give up thing… I had such a big dreams for Enigma, yet that all fell apart before my very eyes, so much work destroyed in a single moment’s decision to just stop). It bothers me that I relish the thought of writing about such dark themes, yet in life all I really want is a nice and easy existence. It bothers me that I take such pleasure in writing about pain, but in reality the thought of pain makes me squeamish (I can’t stand the thought of getting injured… makes my stomach turn).

It bothers me that I can wake up in the morning and think to myself, “I’d be okay with dying today.”

I watch something like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and I realize how much I love a romanticized world. I realize why I love fantasy so much. I love the heroes, I love the villains, I love the neat little package, I love the excitement, I love the suspense, I love the nobility and valor of it all… all these things I lack. All these things I feel like I’m never going to touch in my life.

Funny, how the only things I can write are depressing and dark. I love reading happy endings, yet I crave to write just once a dark ending.

I feel like a walking paradox, completely devoid of any motivation to aspire to anything. I feel like my life is just one day after another and when I think and reflect, it’s just random memories with huge gaps and no time frame whatsoever. I can’t get my whens straight anymore. It’s weird. I can study short term, but never long term. Why is that I always forget things so easily? Am I so absentminded?

A comment disturbed me yesterday. “You can never seem stupid, Ngan.” I hate this image I have… it just makes it that much more poignant when I screw up.

The sad thing is, this is all in my head.

The past few days have felt somewhat hectic… I haven’t really had time to write, but I did a lot of thinking, only now, I can’t remember what I was thinking about.

Matrix III was alright, but nothing to holler about. It was a decent/good enough movie in and of itself, but it was a crappy conclusion. Very crappy. Too many plot holes. Damn you, plot holes.

I can’t seem to complete my applications… it upsets me. I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything throughout high school. I look at what I fill in and the first thought that pops into my mind is, “Why the hell would any school accept me?” It depresses me, college does. I think about getting in, I think about going away, I think about not knowing what I want to do, I think about all thse things and I wonder, “What do I want out of life?” I am reminded of Office Space, which I’ve just recently really seen. I’m like Peter; I don’t want to do anything. I just want to be, to be free of worries to be able to think and expolre without all these responsibilities floating above my head.

It’s strange; my friends talk about being sad how this year is filled with so many “lasts". The Last Spirit Week, the Last Homecoming Rally, the Last whatever. But I don’t really feel it. I just think, so I won’t be here next year. It made me think back to SMS and how I don’t really miss it, how everything about it seems to slip my memory until at some odd moment I go, “Ah! I remember that…” but even if it makes me smile, I don’t pine and yearn for it. It’s so easy to find a routine, whatever it is I’m doing or wherever it is I am. There’s a comfort to routine. As long as there’s a routine, I can do it. As long as I don’t have to worry about too many things, everything’s alright. I feel that’s what’s going to happen with college. I’m going to go somewhere (that’s assuming I ever finish these applications) and I’m going to form a new routine. And then things will be swell.

But then there are things that don’t fit into the equation, things that make me pause and give me uncertainties. Things that I’m not sure how to treat or how I feel about them, but they’re right there, looming over my head, threatening. My recent, strange dreams just prove to me how much they bother me or confuse me. I don’t know what to think or feel execpt anxious and uncertain because I’ve never dealt with something like this or that.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t think I ever do.

I just want to be. Why can’t that be enough?

I can’t describe this restless anxiousness that dances through me tonight. Everything has become a lost cause.

It’s frightening how fast a day’s moods can change. One moment I feel at the top of the world, as if I’ve finally achieved something after a long dry spell and then suddenly I’m in a slump, feeling like the most worthless object on this whole wide earth.

I don’t know if it’s guilt, anger, nervousness, apprehension, or a premonition of my screw up coming to full fruition sitting in the pit of my stomach, but I’m not happy about it.

I’m not too happy about much right at this moment.

Many thoughts have drifted through my mind today… I think it has been brought on by the impending approach of tomorrow… a return to school and reality.

I feel like I just completely wasted four hours of my life.

And I did.

Whaley House wasn’t scary. Probably didn’t even get a ghost on camera… but my flash mysteriously wouldn’t work in the house itself, despite how many times I fiddled with the controls and turned the switch on and off. When we got home, I tried my flash again and it worked just fine. Strange.

Ah, the ghost stories. They scare me, but there is something to relish about them.