introversion

Damn me. I can’t even bring myself to look at applications… fear knots my stomach and I wonder what the heck I want to put on them. I hate them.

I just can’t get over how messed up Narutaru is…

I actually want a sequel, or at least the manga in its entirety translated, so that I can get some friggin’ explanations.

Don’t let its appearance fool you! This series is not for kids.

… destroys my self-esteem.

These days pass oddly, awakening late in the morning with the satisfying yet somehow still guilty feeling of not having school. Not even taking a look at my college applications did nothing to ease my conscience. I finally got my hair cut (it’s short again); I’ve been meaning to for some time. I worry about my temper… today, again, I saw how little things could set me off so easily. I can’t control it; it’s frightening realizing just how little self-control I have.

The morning passed quickly, rather flying by in the blink of an eye. Before I knew it, it was almost two o’clock and suddenly I had a guest.

Which leads me to the crux of my jumbled thoughts tonight. For a very long time he and I have danced around aech other, not quite one thing and not quite the other, but letting the line blur and waver when we wished and if we wished, hopping it sometimes and still yet letting it be and respecting its presence all the other times. It’s been a constant state of flirting and not-flirting and quite frankly it’s had me tense for a long time, just wondering, questioning, never quite sure what was there, what wasn’t, or what I wanted to be there or not.

It’s funny how simple things can be… and how horribly complicated you can make them.

I’m hopelessly romantic, or so I like to think myself as such. I want to believe in that Knight in Shining Armor (what can I say?–my stories are filled with such sappiness). But you know… all I really want is for someone to hold me, to make me feel protected… to make me lose any care for this world. I can’t quite express how many times I’ve just wanted to shout, “If you want to do something, then do it!”

I admit, that after the possibility was there, I’ve been undeniably attracted in some way or another.

So now where do we stand? I don’t know whether I’m nervously excited, anxious, dreadfully uncertain or just… whatever.

I just know…

… that he can make me smile.

… priceless.

a strange haze filters through my window into my room… my mind feels as clouded as the atmosphere outside in the “real” world, where fires blaze… I sit here, oblivious, praying that I can remain so, safe in my home… how does it feel to lose everything in a conflagration… what do you take? what memories do you leave behind?

the sky was the oddest color this morning, like seeing everything through a yellow filter… it made me think of the movie “Traffic"… I was going to take a picture… the sky is now a muted orange, since the sun struggles vainly to break through… a layer of ash is spread across everything, when I look out my window, I see the ash drifting down… it almost reminds me of a snow day, getting off like this, watching the ash drift down, almost able to pretend that they’re white snowflakes, not bits of someone’s house or the burning brush…

I thought to myself earlier that if there were a post-apocalyptic world, where the sky was perpetually overcast, this would be it.

How horrible it would be to wake up caught in a fire…

… that’s depressing.

And I didn’t get any homework finished, except for that damn essay. I didn’t even get to apps.

Damn me.

I wish the yelling downstairs would stop, so that I could concentrate. Sometimes I wonder how much like my parents I am. It’s inevitable that you end up something like your parents.

…

God, it’s all so senseless.

…

Why do children have to pay for the actions of their parents? I hate seeing all this crap… it’s why I ignore it in people, want to believe the best about them (or the worst), so that I don’t have to worry about the in-between, the other image.

I can’t believe I got rear-ended…

And Yasuko is the most easily scared person I know.

… I got rear-ended.

*sigh*

(Tengo miedo de la prisa espantosa.)

Lazy days… so many lazy days… if I were wise, I would have taken advantage of this lazy day to start on apps.

I am not wise.

So, to go to the match tomorrow or not to go?–that is the question.

Somehow, yesterday, the topic of “groping” came up between Audrey and me. What exactly, we wondered, was groping? Well, exploring the topic a bit, we concluded that groping is a) more likely rough, since something gentler would probably be a caress and, with some more help that b) applies to such a touch in places that seem more violable (Audrey believed particularly, on a woman, the area between the shoulders and the knees, excluding arms).

This was all well and good, but the topic resurfaced again at lunch today. There were a few more participants (Marian and Jen). We delved a bit deeper into the definition of “groping” as understood by us. We reinforced that groping was probably rougher than, say, a caress or petting. (There was an interesting little tangent about caressing and petting tied together by another term, but I can’t quite remember what that term was…) We established that groping pretty much applies to those areas stated earlier, as grabbing arms and ankles proved to us… and it’s not possible to “grope” someone’s back (though, really, I still wonder if you can–Audrey believes it can’t be groping because there’s nothing to grab onto, which would technically mean that “groping” is “grabbing things"), though the ass is all up for grabs. Also, allowed or “permissible” groping is usually an advancement of “petting” or “caressing", because by that point, you’re just blindly grabbing–though, now that I think about, allowed random groping works to, as well as impassioned outright groping from the get-go.

Hmm… I can’t quite remember all that was said and agreed upon… this shall have to be concluded or elaborated on another time (if there is ever “another time” for this).

I’d almost enjoy all of this crappy writing I’m doing if I didn’t have this nagging feeling that 50% of it will get scrapped in the end and the moment I start revising, the second half of the story will become irrelevant because the revsion caused the plot to completely change.

The past few days have been scorching… the weather needs to cool down so I don’t melt as I play tennis out there. My tan is horrible; I’m too lazy to put on sunscreen (yes, I know, Nancy, skin cancer and all that). I really think Yasuko is gunning for me. Scary stuff. Too bad my first instinct is to duck… maybe if I remembered to stick my racquet out it won’t be quite as embarassing =).

I don’t want to compete tomorrow. I hate competing.

“Wonderful Days” was a pleasantly surprising Korean (fansubbed) animated full feature film that I downloaded w/o knowing what the heck it was, except that it was movie-size. Unfortunately, despite how much it assaulted my optical senses and ears with heartrending beauty, the movie lacked depth. I wanted more character development, dammit! This is actually something I’d've loved to watch dragged out for a 13 episode anime or something. The characters were all there, but there was so many blanks about them that I was salivating for more by the end, wanting to know their hopes and dreams, histories and incentives.

Ah…

The OST is absolutely beautiful. I feel lucky that I found a place to get the soundtrack… now I can fall into bliss.

I was going to start my college applications–I really was. Only, it scared me away. It seems there shall be no early-action for me then.

Homework was postponed (except for, oddly enough, Calculus)… Amazing… I am writing complete crap for this story in the hopes that I will reach the end and will be able to go back and revise everything. Does this seem entirely unrealistic?

I thought about Chad the other day. I thought about how I hurt him. Well, from my perspective, I know I wronged him.

I never said I was sorry.

But I liked it. I liked feeling like I had power, power over someone. It was wrong. It is wrong. I don’t know if it was the fact that there was some sadistic part of me that needed to be satisfied, if I was afraid, or if I was just a bitch, period.

Chad, if you ever see this, I’m sorry.

My exhausted thoughts for today: yester-evening, I was suddenly reintroduced to why I was so in love with the Nightmare Before Christmas when it came out (and was shocked to find that I remembered very little of it but for vague instances of recognition); the airshow was one big traffic nightmare, getting in and out–the night show isn’t worth it; port-a-potties are scary; damn, I’m going to have a lot of homework tomorrow; there is hope for my writing yet–I’m just going to keep writing crap and hope that somehow that a) I can string together, b) I can extend the idea to something plausibly long and not hopelessly lost as my original conception made it and c) that I can actually explore the theme I’ve been meaning to without making it appear incredibly lame; for some reason my browser doesn’t like to reload this page with code changes unless I delete my files; man, the Accord’s windshield was super dirty on the inside–no wonder the glare was so killer the one night I drove home (didn’t help that I already hate driving at night); the marines have a very big base/whatever; my “friend’s” links completely disappeared when I moved the xanga/blog/journal links over here, it was kind of funny; if I want to do any early decision, I better well do it right friggin’ now because most of them need to be postmarked by friggin’ November 1st (maybe I should just do Harvard since they only allow you to apply to itself anyway… man, my teachers will not be happy when I say I need a letter of recommendation in two weeks flat–I haven’t even looked at the application, gay, damn, *sigh*); I am irrationally snappy with my brother, I don’t know why, but I always jump to wild conclusions when it involves him and snap at him and it’s stupid and childish and I can’t stop myself from doing, *sigh*; bittorrent is so goddamn slow but for some reason my connection isn’t being decent today so I have to deal with it and boggle at the insane amount of information I have uploaded today; anyone know how to fuse forums?; last but not least, I’m tired, I need a shower, and do I really want some ice cream?

Wow, try and sort that mess out.

I can’t believe I almost managed to get myself and two other, completely innocent people killed. Thank God or whoever happened to be watching over me that when I jerked the wheel to the left to merge, there was no one to my left (and that I was going to merge anyway). I think I scared the crap out of my passengers–

–To be honest, I scared the crap out of me. Afterwards, I couldn’t help but wonder what I would have done if I had slammed into that car. I mean, would I have regrets? It’s weird. I feel like I’m ready to go anytime. In fact, I almost feel as if I’d rather go anytime. It’s not that I have no regrets, it’s just that I sometimes feel that it’d be almost easier to kick the bucket.

I think about it every now and again. Most of the time I ask myself, “What if I die today?” just as I’m getting into the car. I was pretty shaken today, but not like, “Oh my god, I almost died.” It was more like, “Oh my god, I almost killed two people!” I wouldn’t have been so spooked if it had just been me in the car. I think it would hurt/horrify me more if I were responsible for someone’s else’s injury or death. My own, I don’t really care about–but someone else’s? Jeez. I couldn’t have that on my head.

Then again, I wasn’t exactly thinking straight after it all happened… I actually sped more than I usually do (more than just 5 mph over the speed limit?! Yes, very dangerous driving…). Maybe I drove more recklessly after the incident than when I was driving before.

It’s not an experience I care to repeat and especially not with passengers in the car.

In other thoughts, I’m not sure what to think about people anymore. I hate listening to what other people say sometimes. More and more it seems others keep throwing in my face that I only see certain sides of people. I feel like I’m so fixated on my first impression, or maybe only what I want to see, and I never see what these other people keep telling me exists. To tell the truth, as much as I profess to hate people (and, yes, people as a society/whole annoy the crap out of me), I always want to believe the best about an individual. I do, unless a person completely pisses me off from the get-go. Then there can only be hate in my heart for that person, with little chance of forgiveness or leniency.

I feel so ignorant and naive. I want to live in my box. I wish people were one-dimensional. Good or bad–or at least that they acted the way they really are. Then I wouldn’t have to agonize over stupid things I hear. Then I wouldn’t have to care or feel completely inept at life.

God, I’m such a horrible judge of character.

I can apologize all I want, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m a failure at what gives me the most joy–what does it take to finish a dream? What does it take to see the end? No, I’ve seen the ends–what does it take to make it to the end?

I feel like I’m always disappointing, whether it be myself or others who’ve put their faith in me. Dreams are all I have. Dreams are all I’ve ever accomplished. So why is it so hard to put dreams into words? Why is it so hard to go from an idea to the execution?

I’m tired of never finishing anything. But incompletion never gets tired of me.

I have many thoughts on my mind tonight. Then again, I’ve been doing much more than I am wont to do.

First and foremost on my mind has been a mixture of two topics: writing and RPing. I remember the hours I spent RPing on mIRC, on the DALnet (which now completely denies me access, probably b/c of the router), in the good ol’ #Fire_&_Ice_Tavern. It is funny to think back and recall the plots I used to play out, how even then I was obsessed with death and heroics and the whole fantasy package. “Linorra"–it’s not even close to something aesthically pleasing or phonetically sound, but it was my main char. Ah, how much that char went through for its lifespan, how far it went from nothing to something a little more than nothing! HAHAHA. Even then I hated big channs. You could never tell what was happening in the big chans.

I bring it up because recently a few of my friends and I have been trying to pick up D&D. I only say it because it’s so completely different from Free Form. I think it has to do more with my own mixed feelings about letting myselg fall into character. Or rather, how do I let myself fall into character? It’s difficult, I think, when in the back of my mind, I think to myself: okay, just how many people are actually serious about this? It’s hard to slip into a mentality and not just be silly, b/c here are people I’m so used to just being silly with. At the same time, the dice rolling and fighting–man, when I was doing MFFRP, there was none of that leveling up. I didn’t even have stats for my characters! They just were. And fights… most nearly played out entirely with descriptions, and though some chans took advantage of dice-rolling bots, I never used one in any of my experiences.

I think I just miss the ease it is to role-play when you’re hiding behind a computer, miles and miles away from the others your RP with. It’s so much easier, like writing. You don’t have to look at anyone else’s face, just a description. Not only that, but you don’t really have to worry about levels and whatnot in free form. It’s all relative: how you not only view your character, but how you play your character.

I miss it.

I remember always being teased about it. No one in my family really understood it. My brothers would be jackasses and write stuff in the chans. I always hated coming back to my seat and having to type “(OOC: sorry, that was my brother.)". Those were good times. Funny, how so many of my RPing friends at that time were from Canada . I wonder how they’re doing… It’s been so long.

There was another thought that struck me today, in the car actually, but I can’t remember what it was. Anyway, I guess I can talk a little about Open House and how everything I heard tonight was probably just outright lies. Disgusting, really. Amazing how it was like prostitution or something, only the outside aesthetics aren’t what you get for your money. I don’t know. I just don’t understand it. I hate how the school touts such virtues as being “Christlike,” which would, I assume, include “honesty,” but the administration can stand up there and lie their asses off.

I think being a senior there tonight also made me feel strange. Listening to the teachers talk to the parents of potentially incoming freshmen… I was struck by the thought, “Hey, I’ve gone through all of the stuff they’re talking about.” It was both deeply unsettling and surprisingly gratifying.

Again, I keep finding myself confronted with the question, “Where am I going?” There are so many implications in that question. College. Career. Life. Even in my stupid writing, which I can’t seem to lift off the ground (yes, I attempted again tonight to take another crack at it, with little to no success. I can’t give up! The moment I give up… I won’t write for another century).

Man, sometimes I wish I could just make up my mind. Like, right now. I’m very tempted to just jump into a new MFFRP venture, like the old days. But I know that a) I have no time and b) I’m just scared I’ll just be a screw up and be so out of things from square one (the possible venture I’m looking into is so complex it’s simply mindboggling).

Aw, someone just shoot me.

…

GR.

…

This story is being extremely difficult… I can’t seem to write it. Hm… Hopefully, I can get this story off the ground… I really want to write it (too bad the only thing going on in my head is completely character-driven without any plot whatsoever).

Lately, I’ve been feeling great. Really great. Really happy. Really… unburdened. I guess part of it is because I’ve been putting off everything that needs to get done. I think it largely stems from seeing all the family though. It was like this great big weight lifted off my shoulders. I don’t know.

I haven’t even had the greatest week of my life. I can no longer get 10s on vocab quizzes, I’m not donig my homework well, hell, I’m half-assing it. I’m not get the best of grades. I’m sliding by on minimum work and dedication.

Is there a single reason I should be so happy?

I’ve even started writing something!

What is wrong with this picture?

Is there anything wrong to begin with? Ah, I cannot think evil thoughts while listening to this Super Metroid remix. It is masterpiece. It is… inspiring. Yes…

Happy. Or at least, something close to it.

Dammit, I just wasted my oodles of free time today trying to clean up my old comp for its new place in the hallway… That was not what I had been planning to do. Dammit.

As I take a short procrastination break from slowly making up my homework, I decided, hey! now’s a great time to blog since you haven’t blogged yet and you intended to. So then I agreed and here I am.

Let’s see. The wedding was great. It was not only absolutely beautiful, but unlike the previous wedding in which my cousins and relatives around my own age were not present, I felt a lot more relax… a lot, a lot happier to be in the presence of family. I enjoyed myself immensely. And, yes, I did dance. Shhhh…

The plane rides there and back were uneventful, though I did get a lot of reading done, more than I intended. I was almost sad to finish reading Abhorsen by Garth Nix, knowing that it was the end of a serious I had fallen in love with years and years ago when I bought a book on a whim during a Troll Book Fair. Go figure. Something good actually came out of one of those. Though now that I think about it, that book should not have been floating around in a Catholic school. As for Beowulf, I ended up reading it twice! Once going to D.C. and once coming back. Damn. Though I think it was more interesting on the second read.

D.C. streets are a nightmare. Getting lost in D.C. is not advised. Ugh. It’ll take you years to get turned around. Simply horrible.

I felt kind of tired at school today. Maybe a little sad too; don’t know why. However, by the end of the day, I was feeling as light as a feather. I felt really happy–I mean, really happy. Just a lightness in my heart and spirit. Then of course I blew up at one of the girls at the end of practice, but indeed, that was an inevitable event–she has been slowly wearing my nerves down since our first encounter. I can understand a bit of disrespect, but not every single time–especially knowing that your worth to the team is not all that valuable. Just thinking about it is making me angry again–I shall speak no more on the subject.

I’ve had a strong desire to write lately, but every time the desire strikes, paper and pencil just don’t suffice. What I wouldn’t do to spontaneously have a desktop or laptop appear before me in class so that I could get typing away. By the time I get home, I have no time or energy to write anymore and all is lost. Then again, I’m only motivated when there is absolutely no way I can write–my fickle muses tease me.

Ah, college beckons. I keep telling myself I’ll get started on the applications. However, for some reason, the pangs of anxiety and apprehension have no struck me as of late when I think about apps. How odd. I am sure the moment I actually start, all those negative feelnigs will come washing over me once again, but for now I am good.

I finally remembered that I have to get started on my independent art! Damn. I was really wishing I wouldn’t have to do anything, but alas, I must do this little work so that I can get some credit! And now I go, to do such work!

(Can you not guess that I am tired, yet content, reading my flowery language? Or perhaps ’tis because I have caught myself too often daydreaming of more romantic worlds… I keep finding myself in a Court of Flowers… ah! What meaning color can convey!)